A bajillion ways Caillou died in alternate dimensions
by MechanicCave
Summary: Just a series of short stories/ideas that came into my head. No continuity between each. Some may become full-length stories if I feel they have the potential of stretching as long as Cartoon characters in the real world did! Rated T because of not overly-descriptive violence, some swearing, and sometimes philosophical concepts purely to make you laugh. Read and Review!
1. Gilbert's Revenge

One day Caillou was playing with his blocks. Or his teddy. Or his dinosaur thing? Argh screw it! They all look too similar because of the cheap animation! Then Gilbert walked up to Caillou to play. "No Gilbert! Go away!" Caillou said, annoyed. Gilbert decided to leave by the quickest route as he was a very intelligent cat. Unfortunately, that quickest route happened to have Caillou's stack of dinosaurs. I mean teddies. Wait never mind, blocks. Caillou was just about to put another dinosaur onto the stack and beat his record of 2 stacked on each other! Suddenly, the entire universe's time went 2 times slower, and dramatic music started to play. The fabric of space-time was nearly torn to give you this effect so BE GRATEFUL! (We will come back to this story after this advertisement break)

Buy Caillou-brand Caillou-shaped cereal! Its cereal but each uh… cereal flake thing is in the shape of Caillou's face! There is even a free (broken) toy inside! Buy for just $62.76 (per cereal flake terms and conditions apply visit your local lawyer and sue this company for making such expensive cereal okay I'm pretty much done this fake ad I only put it in because I wanted a paragraph break)

(Back to the story) … But THEN! Caillou's mouth that was weirdly always on the left side of his face gasped with ALARM as his eyes darted to Gilbert, leaping through the air like a female praying mantis jumping to eat her husband's head! Okay that was a terrible metaphor. In fact I don't think insects like praying mantises HAVE husbands. Caillou's voice, that had been deepened due to the temporary breaking of the space-time continuum came like a screeching mix between a chalkboard being scraped and Chinese water torture; "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" But then the space-time continuum was repaired (although it would be bad to break it a second time, as it may cause temporal rips to destroy the multiverse) and Gilbert smashed through the stack of blocks, causing Caillou to scream like a stuck pig.

"GILBERT!" Caillou thundered, although it came out pretty squeaky and whiney (squiney) due to him being four years old and not intimidating at all, "YOU KILLED MY BLOCK STACKS! I'M GOING TO KILLLL YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Remember, Caillou was four years old, and at the point in life where he thought his toys were alive (although if his blocks were alive it would be like living in hell due to being unable to move your body, or affect your surroundings, and being like in a coma, except that you are completely aware of everything that is happening around you and knowing full well that you cannot do anything about it, for all eternity, or unless your body was destroyed.), so don't blame him for speaking errors.

Caillou grabbed Gilbert by the neck and attempted to strangle him, but due to him being four years old and living a 100% exercise free lifestyle, he barely tickled the cat. Gilbert, however felt differently from being tickled. Not physically, but mentally. Gilbert was a cat, but he always liked to think of himself as a lion. And lions tended to think of their manes as holding all their pride. And guess where the mane was? On the neck. And Caillou had both his stringy little hands on it. Gilbert went into a berserker rage, unleashing his claws on Caillou. Slicing at a rate of 112.563 hits per second, there wasn't even time for Caillou to feel pain. There wasn't enough time for blood to hit the floor. Gilbert sliced so fast that he cut the _blood molecules_ in half. Gilbert stalked off, satisfied.

Meanwhile, Doris, Boris (Mummy and Daddy), and Rosie (who had been wearing Caillou's teddy shirt) had videotaped the whole thing with a camera that was so fast that it could take pictures of hummingbird wings flapping, in the hopes of videotaping Caillou's tantrum when he saw Rosie wearing his teddy shirt. But this. This was much better. They posted the video onto youtube, and gained 18,923,564, 128 likes to 2 dislikes within the first hour.

 _Hey guys, I know I haven't been updating my latest story, "Night of the living Caillou". Don't look for it, because I've deleted it. I lost interest in the project a few weeks back after I couldn't think of a suitable way to introduce the tf2 mercenaries and have them battle the Caillou army. Well, introducing "A bajillion ways Caillou died in alternate dimensions", a collection of short stories that won't make the final cut of being made into full chapter stories. This one was especially long to start with a bang, meaning that most of them will probably be shorter. Please note that each of these stories will have been set in a new dimension/universe, meaning that each will have been a normal Caillou episode until the events happened. There will be no continuity between each one, unless I feel like making a sequel to each shorty. Who knows, some of these might even turn into full-length stories. Thanks for being patient. NOW GO OUTSIDE AND THROW A BASKETBALL OR SOMETHING INSTEAD OF STARING AT THAT COMPUTER SCREEN FOR SO MANY HOURS!_


	2. Caillou's violent movie

One day Caillou and his two friends Tommy and Tammy or Timmy and Thonky or Thomson and Tompson or Thenry and Thorny or whatever… They both looked so similar, and I don't remember any of these character's names because they al l have the personality of a piece of driftwood. They were making pizzas and Caillou thought his was the best, obviously. But Thonky and Thonry decided that they had made the best. It became an argument, which then shifted dramatically into a fight, which became a brawl and became a full scale riot, with pots, pans, eggs, bread, milk, spoons, forks, pencils, spears, pistols, bazookas, flamethrowers, assault rifles (they had to raid Daddy's gun closet for those) and 1000 page guides about the history of 4-ply toilet paper. Suddenly, Caillou's depressed mum Doris walked in. "WHAT THE SHIT IS HAPPENING HERE?" she screamed before clasping her hands over her mouth for swearing.

At that moment, the bunch of babies watching the Caillou cartoon starting saying the word "shit" gleefully before being spanked by their parents.

Doris saw her son and those two stupid other boys fighting each other with weapons and kitchen appliances and, instead of stopping the fight like a good mother, she grabbed her husband's belt and started whooping them with all her rage of their disobedience and her regret of every holiday that she had taken Caillou on. All three boys started crying their eyes out, but Doris was not weakened by their puny attempts to reactivate the long-buried feelings of motherhood. Caillou had ruined her job applications, tax returns, and bandwidth payments, so she was not showing mercy this time. Unfortunately Timmy and Thompson were caught in the epic cyclone of Doris' $#!t-fury and… well you'll see what she did.

A few minutes later, Caillou's father Boris, who had been writing an email to his boss asking for a promotion, walked in to talk to Doris about the internet conking out, and saw that Doris was standing over all three boys. All of them had been dismembered at the waist by Doris' belt smacks, fueled by her incredible fury and repressed anger. Rosie then walked in and posted the images online, before starting a huge party with all the neighbors invited with booze, weed cursing, and high-stakes (portable) casino machines. And after that, the only thing Doris ever worried about again was "Why did they act so violent in the first place?"

10,000,000 universes away, Treehouse TV talking about how they sold the movie rights of the horrible bald sensation youtube-poop-inspiration to the one and only, Michael Bay. The movie had premiered today and got 16% on , with critics criticizing the meaningless plot, excessive swearing, drug references but praising the action sequences and special effects (that blood really looked real!).

THE END

 _Hi there.  
As you can see I've finished the second chapter of this collection of stories. I'm currently writing a funny story (that's about Caillou, yes) that I will post on this site. If it is popular I will expand it into a full story!_


	3. Cailloumon Emerald

_Note: I won't make Caillou speak unless he has to since this is a Pokémon adventure_

One day in the Pokémon world, Caillou was riding in a van. His enormous head smashed around as the van jerked around violently. After the can stopped, Doris opened the doors. "Hi Caillou! I hope you didn't have a hard time in the van! We've arrived at our new town!" Caillou took one step out of the van before his mother threw him out and told him to go find the professor.

Caillou wondered around the place for a while before he saw this random person getting chased in a circle by a Zigzagoon. "HELP!" screamed the man. "I'M BEING CHASED BY A ZIGZAGOON!" not knowing that I had just said that. And the fact that according to the Pokémon lore, Zigzagoons can only run in a zigzag pattern. Caillou took no chances! He reached in and grabbed one of the balls- okay that sounded wrong but you know what I mean. POKEballs! He threw it at the Zigzagoon. Unfortunately, he didn't call the Pokémon out, so all he did was make the Zigzagoon VERY mad. The Zigzagoon started tearing Caillou to shreds while the man ran away.

"Sorry about that!" the man (Who was the Pokémon professor), "I'm Professor Bitch… I mean Birch!" he shoved a ball into Caillou's face. Not an uh… y'know ball a POKEBALL! "You should go out and fight gym leaders and wild Pokémon and shit with this new Pokémon but not before seeing your mother!" Professor Birch shouted cheerfully (for some strange reason). So Caillou walked to his new house where his mother was in the middle of a 10 hour nap for sitting in the passenger seat of the truck with constant cramps and a high stress level in case Caillou ruptured the fuel tank or something. She was very slightly annoyed when Caillou walked in.

" **WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?** " she screeched in a voice that shattered glass. " **GO KILL SOME RANDOM ANIMALS WITH YOUR PET OR SOME SHIT! LEAVE ME ALONE! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-** " she screamed before dying due to her voice box exploding out of her throat. Caillou looked at her dead corpse before leaving.

 _1 hour and 40 minutes later, Caillou was ready to fight his dad's gym._

"I've been waiting for you Caillou" Boris murmured. "I've finally going to do what I've been waiting for." Suddenly, the Pokémon Emerald gym battle music started to play. Caillou had never been in a real fight before, since he had spent the 1 hour and 40 minutes hacking the game and getting to the boss fight. Boris sent out a Slaking. He broke the rules and went first. "SLAKING USE YAWN!" Daddy screamed. Slaking yawned and Caillou fell asleep. "Yay!" Boris cried. "Now I can do this at my own pace!" he then started monotonously droning for 62 hours straight about his revenge and how this battle was for Doris and that he had planned to do some major renovation to the house to include toilet paper roll-tree backgrounds before sending out Vigoroth and telling him to use "Slash". Vigoroth sliced open Caillou's stomach. "Now use Encore!" Boris cried gleefully like a little kid on Christmas. Vigoroth used "Encore", which encouraged Boris to tell it to "Slash" again.

It went on like that for about 10 minutes, with the Pokémon slashing Caillou's body until it was nothing but a mangled corpse. "YAY!" Boris cried. And he went to Doris to tell the good news. Doris, who had survived due to defibrillators and scientific breakthroughs like larynx reconstruction surgery and magical throat-damage repairing, was angry because she had wanted Caillou to come home so she could use her Pokémon to kill HIM. So Doris screamed her throat out again, and died.

"Well I guess that means I'm single!" grinned Boris.

THE END…?

 _Sorry this was extremely trashy. I just wrote the first things that came into my head._


End file.
